Day 146

It’s Day 146  of  The Red Shoe Project.  I have packed my bags, put on my RED shoes and said goodbye to all of my Scottish relatives and friends.  There’s still a few days left in my journey abroad, but today I leave the little country cottage of Ashlea Manor and it’s beautiful garden behind.

I have hopped aboard a train headed for Edinburgh.  There’s an hour and a half ride ahead of me.  The scenery is simply beautiful.  I have nestled myself into the train seat and taken a deep relaxing breath. 

I am so looking forward to a good read.  I have pulled out the book I’ve been reading, Behold I Give unto you Power by Paul E. Billheimer and can’t quite find where I last left off.   

I start here on page 97… “There is an old consecration hymn upon whose wings many seekers, in years gone by, have been borne into the fullness of the blessing.  It has been almost forgotten and lost to the Body”

"Oh, God, my heart doth long for Thee;

Let me die, let me die;

Now set my soul at liberty;

Let me die.

To all the trifling things of earth,

They’re now to me of little worth,

My Saviour calls, I’m going forth;

Let me die.

Lord, I must die to scoffs and jeers;

Let me die, let me die;

I must be freed from slavish fears;

Let me die,

Unto the world and its applause,

To all its customs, fashions, laws,

Of those who hate the humbling cross,

Let me die.

When I am dead, then, Lord to Thee

I will live,  I will live.

My life, my strength, my all to Thee

I will give,  I will give.

So dead that no desire shall rise

To pass for good, or great, or wise,

In any but my Savior’s eyes;

Let me die,  let me die."

On this Sunday, May 26^th at 11:34 a.m.  I sit in Seat #60, Section M of the train going from Dundee to Edinburgh.  As I read this hymn I am ruined in the Spirit.  Sitting in this little seat, my soul is more than disturbed.  I want to hold it altogether for I’m right in the middle of a public place, surrounded by people, sipping tea and nibbling croissants, the picturesque scenery flashing by the train windows.  But it’s not working.  As my friend Jim would say… “I’m leaking.”   The tears are quietly streaming down my face. I look away from the people I am sitting with, in hope that they will not see me and disturb this most private moment with God.

I am crying because I so desperately want to be “SOLD OUT” completely for Christ.  It’s just something I must do.  Every time my soul cries out,  “Jesus, I want more!”  there is a piece of my flesh that shrieks as it shrivels up and falls to the ground.  The problem is that I recognize there’s still way too much flesh that's alive in my life. 

Flesh refers to the fallen ego, 

the self,  the soulish life.

My flesh is most ugly when God’s light shines upon it.  I cringe as I see my own self’s attempts to live a righteous life.  I am sick when I realize the trickery of my own thoughts, the deceptions on my own heart, the manipulation in wanting my own way.  Thank God that I don’t have to witness the fullness of my flesh day to day!  I see it only when He chooses to show me His perspective.

So much of this trip has been a test… a test to show me where I stand on things.  It’s easy to think I’m doing great.  (Why don't I just give myself a little pat on the back)   But it’s only when I’m tested that I can accurately see how I measure up.  And today I realize that I’ve got some work to do.  He’s still got plenty of work to do in me.  And He conveniently uses each day, and all it holds, 

to change me accordingly.

In time, 

Gail

P.S.  What I so love about this is that I later realized that I had already read that part of the book a few days earlier.  (Apparently, it didn't quite settle in.  LOL.)  Although I should have begun my reading four or five pages further along,  God saw to it that I didn't miss out on this life-changing moment with Him.  I love when that happens!  Don't you?